mandapandalovesyouu

broken-insanity asked: Hi Amanda!! Welcome back to Tumblr! :D Haha.

Haha why thank you! :D I’m still not going on as often but when I get time I get on for a few minutes :P

It’s been about 3 months since we broke up…

I thought I would be fine. Everyone told me I would be better off without him.

I thought they were right.. And I know they are right. So why am i stuck on this boy?

I put all of my heart and soul into loving him. I would always be thinking about his happiness and if he was okay. I always wanted him to feel happy and loved.

At the beginning he made me feel alive! He was my everything and anything I ever wished and hoped for. We had out ups and we had our many downs. But above all of that I was as happy as can be.

Everyone tells me that I wasn’t really happy. That he hurt me too much. But what I keep telling them is, yes he hurt me and he made me sad a lot but that’s because I would over react on everything and blow everything up times 100.

I don’t know why I did. You would think I would be more focused on the good than on the bad. I guess it was just my dumb brain getting the best of me.

We dated 3 times over the course of 9 and a half months. And i have to say those were thee best 9 months of my life. I was so happy with him and I didn’t think it could end. But just when i thought things were going the best, he broke my heart for the first time.

No one knows how hard I cried that night. I cried and cried for at least 5 hours straight. I cried myself to sleep. And when I woke up, for a second I thought it was just a dream but then reality struck me and I cried again. My dad never saw me cry that hard, tears filled his eyes.

I was a complete wreck. I didn’t eat. I hardly slept. I hardly would talk or say anything to anyone. And if I did talk, all I did was complain about how sad and heart broken I was. I didn’t think I could ever be happy again.

But then after a few weeks, he told me that he still loved me and that he felt stupid for ever leaving me. I was so happy that day. I cried for a long time after he told me that but it was tears of joy.

We were re-united! I thought this would go on forever. He told me he would never leave me again and would tell me he loved me every day. I felt like i was living a dream. But sadly this dream ended once again..

I told him that I was worried about me leaving him. I wasn’t going to so I don’t know why I told him that. It just came out that way. I wish I wouldn’t have said anything because the next thing I knew, he told me that we were over. Done for good.

Again, I broke down and felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. But eventually I kinda moved on. Faster than I expected.

I met a new guy who I thought was really amazing and I thought I could make a turning point and forget all about my ex. So me and my new bf dated and started to really fall for each other and I thought everything was going fine.

Then, my ex started talking to me again. He wanted to just be friends and stuff so I was okay with that. Then one day he told me that he missed me like crazy and that he wanted me back. I told him I had a bf and I didn’t wanna hurt him. He understood fine.

But then I thought about it a bit. I started thinking about how much I missed my ex and how in love with him I still was. So I made a decision to hang out with him just to see if it would be awkward. But it wasn’t. It felt like nothing had ever changed. Like everything was back to normal.

So I made up my mind and I dumped my bf and went back out with my ex. I thought this was going to be a good thing for me. Everyone was telling me that I would regret this but I didn’t care because I was doing this for me, not for them.

Our new relationship didn’t last more than 2 days before he dumped me once again.. He said that he didn’t feel right. He told me he still loved me but what person dumps the person they still love?

So there I was. Heart broken for the third time. And I wish I could say I had nobody to blame but myself, but I feel he deserves some of the blame as well. I mean sure I said yes to him. But he came out of nowhere and used his charm to win me over once again. He knew me to well. I might sound selfish but what would you do?

So a month later, I started talking to the new bf I had after my ex dumped me. We told each other we missed each other and we started to date again. It has been going great so far. We have been together for about 2 and a half months.

But now, the memories are back to haunt me. I don’t wanna think about my ex anymore. He hurt me.. Yet how am I still sorta in love with him? How do I get him outta my head? I can’t seem to heal this broken heart of mine. I don’t know if I will ever find complete true love like i had with my ex again..

I still have some hope but I still have so much doubt too. Sometimes I feel my doubts are what are holding me back from finding it. I think I’m afraid to open up my heart again.. Because maybe I’m still scared of being hurt.

I don’t know why I don’t know these answers. This is my body and my mind and I should be able to control it. But I can’t seem to do that.

And I also still care about him with all of my heart. I thought I would let him go completely but no. I still want him happy. I don’t wanna see him sad. But the one thing that bothers me the most is to have to see him happy with some other girl. Because it just makes me wish that I was still the girl that made him happy. Who loved him like no other person in the word.

I’m hoping that one day I will be able to open up and see what it feels like to be free from haunting memories and learn how to love another as much as I loved him..